Vote for the Thronie Awards

We’ve all had the debate before: Who’s the greatest hero of Season 7? Who’s the greatest villain? And which Game of Thrones would you most want to date your sister? It’s time to settle this once and for all with the Shat on TV Thronie Awards!

You can read the categories and nominees below, or just click here to vote (you impatient bastard).

BEST HERO

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Jon Snow (Aegon Targaryen the millionth)

He’s beaten Wildlings. He’s beaten White Walkers. He’s cheated death, and he easily has the best hair of all Game of Thrones heroes. Jon is honest, tough, loving, and loyal: everything you’d want in a hero. Also, datass.

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Daenerys Targaryen

What’s better than a rags-to-riches hero? How about a broodmare to boss bitch heroine? Let’s face it: Without Daenerys, Cersei would have control of Westeros within the year. Our khaleesi has raised three dragons, freed countless slaves, won harrowing battles and still sports the best outfits on the show.

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Drogon Targaryen

Seriously? You’re gonna pick Daenerys when Drogon is doing all the heavy lifting? He fucked shit up in the fighting pits. He fucked shit up at Blackwater Rush, and even the Night King was too afraid to touch him. Sure, he murdered the Tarlys, but that was bad parenting. Dragons are impressionable!

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Arya Stark

Who did we hate most when Season 7 opened? And who killed him? That’s right. With Jon Snow going all Aegon, Sansa busy ruling and Bran getting creepy as hell, Arya is the hero House Stark needs. She can be anywhere at any time, and she even held her own against Brienne of Tarth.  Plus, she finally stopped Littlefinger’s weird voice.

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Samwell Tarly

You don’t need a sword to be a hero. Samwell Tarly uses his brain to cure Jorah Mormont’s grayscale, and he uses his Gilly to discover Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark secretly married. Sam has a heart of gold, and he’s shown his bravery against the dead, the cruel and even his own father.  Also, he has Valyrian steel sword Heartsbane. So, yeah, actually heroes all have swords.

BEST VILLAIN

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Petyr Baelish

This dickhead has been involved in pretty much everything bad that happened in Westeros: Jon and Lyssa Arryn’s deaths, Tyrion Lannister’s kidnapping, Ned Stark’s death, Sansa Stark’s marriage to Ramsay Bolton, and general nasty pimping.  Other villains are more powerful, but few are as creepy.

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Night King

Is he really evil for doing his job? Wasn’t he just born this way? Dude, the Night King is the LIVING PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH. He freakin’  kills entire villages and turns babies into skinny blue Hulk Hogans! If you’re going by sheer body counts, Night King is a shoe-in.

Cersei Lannister

Cersei survives the deaths of her father and her children to become the queen on the Iron Throne. And she isn’t done yet. In Season 7, she ordered the sacking of Highgarden, the death of Olenna Tyrell, the twisted imprisonment of Ellaria Sand and Tyene Sand, and the destruction of the Iron Fleet. With her intention to double-cross Westerosi heroes battling the army of the dead, Cersei’s straight evil.

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Euron Greyjoy

Ladies want him. Men want to be him. This swashbuckling psychopath is everything Johnny Depp isn’t, but don’t forget he also cuts out people’s tongues, kills his relatives and (given half a chance) will stick his finger in your ass. Depending on how you consider style points when voting, Euron could be your top villain.

Reanimated Viserion

Big D wanted to be sure you knew we weren’t talking about regular Viserion. This isn’t Drogon’s little bro, whom we sorta knew and kinda loved. This is the Night King’s new whip, who just blasted down the only thing standing between the army of the dead and thousands of defenseless peasants.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A NON-HUMAN

Normal-ass Viserion

Before the Night King took his life, Viserion was a normal-ass dragon. He stood up for himself despite being named for a complete shitbird: Viserys Targaryen. Anyway, he’s the first dragon to die fighting the army of the dead, and he’s arguably the most upsetting death of Season 7. We’ll miss you, N.A.V.

Drogon

Drogon really delivered a “wow” factor in Game of Thrones Season 7. Remember the loot train battle at Blackwater Rush? Dude took a scorpion bolt to the shoulder, safely delivered Daenerys to the ground and nearly took out Jaime Lannister in the process. Doesn’t get much more clutch than that. He’s Daenerys’ favorite mount; is he yours?

Wight in a Box

Talk about dedication! This little guy started wiggling immediately after his capture in Episode 6, “Beyond The Wall,” and kept up with the convulsions until his ceremonious end in “The Dragon and The Wolf.” Easily the hardest-working undead creature since Iggy Pop. Plus, if that chain had just been a tad longer, this little wight of mine could have prevented a Westerosi civil war.

Nymeria

Many Game of Thrones fans just wanted to see another dire wolf this season, and Ghost stood us up. Thankfully, Nymeria stepped up to teach Arya a special lesson about growing up away from your family and finding your own life in the wild. In a packed field of supernatural beings, this natural wonder is a class apart.

Longclaw

Can a sword be a character? When it gets more screen time than actual people, yes. Longclaw was rumored to have come alive to save Jon Snow, though “Beyond the Wall” director Alan Taylor said it was just a visual artifact. Either way, Longclaw has proven invaluable in slaughtering the undead and creating warm-fuzzy moments between Jon and Jorah Mormont.

BIGGEST FAN GRIPE

Jaime survives Blackwater Rush

Amazing visual effects quickly lost their luster when we saw Jaime Lannister escape death twice, between two episodes, in utterly improbable fashion. When Bronn tackles Jaime to save him from Drogon’s deadly breath, we see Jaime’s horse merely hood-deep in water. But when Jaime calls into the water, he plummets to the unknown cliffhanger depths. After we spent a week wondering if Jaime would survive, he emerges downriver with Bronn in the next episode’s opening scene. His armor didn’t sink him to the bottom of Blackwater Rush, nor did his golden hand. And of course, nobody was looking for him on the river banks.

Jetpacking

Game of Thrones characters moved uncommonly fast in Season 7. Whether it was Euron getting from Blackwater Bay to Casterly Rock in a day, Jon Snow bouncing between North and South, or the Unsullied reaching King’s Landing in the blink of an eye, the timing just felt off for much of the season. Not to mention Gendry’s run and supersonic black crows. Some people felt it helped move the show along, others felt it betrayed Game of Thrones’ gorgeously slow burn.

Viserion in chains

Where did wight get massive chains to pull Viserion out from under the ice? How did they attach the chains to Viserion’s body? Big D says trained polar bears. Gene says big-ass hook. It probably doesn’t matter. Did we need to see the chains at all?

The Magnificent Seven

People called them The Magnificent Seven, Mission Impossible, The Avengers, Snoceans Seven, and The Jonner Party. Whatever you called the elite team of warriors that went Beyond the Wall, we all can agree they were on the dumbest mission in Game of Thrones’ seven seasons. Take on the entire army of the dead to capture one wight for Cersei? No thanks.

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Ed Sheeran

Granted, he looks like the potential offspring of any number of Game of Thrones characters, but something didn’t quite feel right about putting a modern pop singer in this ageless tale of fantasy and wickedness. Fan backlash was so severe that Sheeran abandoned Twitter. Sheeran’s appearance ruined the Season 7 Premiere for Gene Lyons, and the On The Throne host is still haunted by the Halifax native’s hit “Shape of You.”

BEST BATTLE

Blackwater Rush

Dothraki massacre the Lannister army in an open field. Dickon Tarly springs in to action. Drogon lays waste to countless soldiers and wagons. Jaime nearly dies while Tyrion provides commentary. Bronn shoots Drogon with the Scorpion. Daenerys gets a taste of her own mortality, and we see a guy impaled on a giant bolt. What more do you want?

Casterly Rock

The battle was over in a flash and a voiceover, but Casterly Rock flipped the tables in Season 7. Just when we thought Tyrion had outsmarted his siblings in battle, we discovered the soft castle was a trap for Grey Worm and the Unsullied. But man, it felt good to cheer before we saw that dreaded Greyjoy fleet.

Wightgate / Eastwatch By The Sea

Just when you thought it was safe to march your seven-hero squad against tens of thousands of undead ghouls, Wightgate handed the good guys a massive military loss. Team Snowgaryen lost Viserion to the Night King and a Thoros to a polar bear wound. Not very encouraging, but the combat sequences and tension were top notch.

The Sacking of Highgarden

The Lannisters stunned Team Dani by taking the offensive, storming Highgarden and seizing all that gold. What the battle lacked in length (face it, Tyrells can’t fight for shit) it made up for in Lady Olenna bad-assery. Highgarden set up the Lannisters to afford the Golden Company, drove a wedge between Jaime and Cersei Lannister, and took a powerful house off the board.

Squidway

Game of Thrones hadn’t shown much naval combat prior to Season 7, but boy did we get a delicious maritime massacre to make up for it. Euron Greyjoy’s sneak attack on the Iron Fleet showed us the massive proportions of the Silence, the ruthlessness of Euron’s crew, and just how perfectly you could light an entire scene by fire. It left Sand Snakes dead, tongues abbreviated, and Theon shaken to his core.

BEST SEX SCENE

Boat Sex!

Prophecies and Reddit threads be damned, all we cared about after seeing this scene is Kit Harrington’s butt. Sure, the thought of a dead man screwing his aunt might turn some people off, but we’re talking about a show that’s depicted eunuch sex, father-daughter sex, rape, brother-sister sex, and Ed Sheeran. Don’t be such a puritan!

Grey Worm and Missandei

Grey Worm can’t have sex! He doesn’t have a dick, right? Wrong. Don’t tell Grey Worm what he can and can’t do. We always wondered why he didn’t talk much. Turns out he was just resting his tongue for one shining moment.

Cersei and Jaime Lannister

Cersei is queen now, and that means doing whatever she wants. Her incestuous secret’s out, and she couldn’t care less. Gene Lyons says there’s something super hot about seeing the most powerful woman in the Seven Kingdom go down on her brother.  Gene also owns fishnet shirts and once wore his mom’s thong to go clubbing.

Ellaria Sand and Yara Greyjoy

We had to do some extra research to verify sex actually happened between these two. After thorough review of the scene that was cruelly interrupted by Euron Greyjoy’s attack, we’ve determined there was, in fact, “action below deck.” If mouth sex counts, so does finger sex.

BEST CHARACTER TO DATE YOUR SISTER

Samwell Tarly

Sam isn’t the strongest man in Westeros. He isn’t the fittest. But this guy has a heart of gold, treats Gilly reasonably well, and already has saved lives in his own way. If your sister’s into smart, shy guys, he might just be the one.

Podrick Payne

If your sister’s into pain, she’s probably into Payne. This kind soul is packing a third leg in his trousers, but he’s loyal as can be. We’ve seen he has the utmost respect for women, and his training as a squire means manners to boot.

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Jon Snow

If all your sister’s exes have been bastards, this bastard-turned-prince might be just what she needs. He’s got a great butt, can’t tell a lie, and has shown he can get down with lowly Wildlings and highfalutin dragon queens. Also, he’s really into leather and furs.

Jorah Mormont

We had to include Jorah because Big D’s wife insisted he’d be a good pick. Her reasoning? “He’s nice and loyal. And he could protect my sister.” Jorah’s got a great heart once you get past the grayscale scars. Terrific pick if your sister has daddy issues or wants a mature lover.

Dickon Tarly

Look at him. Yum.

 

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